“It took me seven god damn hours to paint it! “Dad is downright pissed off; Kool-Aid Man wreaking havoc.

Last Thursday night, the McClintock family sat down for a family dinner and what they thought would be a quiet night with no disruptions. They were terror-stricken (not only by Mrs. McClintock’s awful casserole) when the wall of the dining room came crashing in, pieces of debris flying everywhere.  Mrs. McClintock, who thought the blast was just the tv, mentioned how surreal it all felt; “There we were, eating dinner when all of the sudden the wall explodes. I thought, is this one of those 3D reality shows? All we heard was a loud “OH YEAH”, saw a flash of red and then whoever it was just disappeared into the night.” Mr. McClintock had recently just finished rebuilding and repainting the wall that came down and is appalled that all of that hard work and sixty coats of paint have gone to waste.

 

McClintock family pictured above, distraught.

 

News reports have been coming in from all over the nation, naming the Kool-Aid Man as the culprit in these attacks. A reporter with NBCNNABCMSNFOX passed along some information and told us that the Kool-Aid Man has “really lost his shit lately” and that he’s in a bad place. The reporter also went on to say, “It’s like he’s doing it on purpose. His goal is no longer a delicious, quenching beverage that brings hydration to kids around the world, he’s a menace and somebody has to do something.”

Don't be fooled by his delicious, thirst-quenching, condonsating, ice cold,

oh god, I'm so thirsty...

 

A family in Florida reported that their wall caved in right after they had hung newly purchased art from IKEA on the wall. Clearly, this Kool-Aid Man hates Sweden. Another family in New Hampshire came home to find the wall broken in and their son, Kevin, sick to his stomach. “He drank that god damn juice, I’ll tell ya”, Kevin’s father said, “You can’t just go around kicking in walls when you have no lid! You have debris in your juice and my god damn kid drank the god damn debris juice.”

 

Kevin, after consuming debris juice.

No information or leads on where the Kool-Aid Man is currently hiding out. Taking into account that he’s so top heavy, officials are asking anyone who sees the Kool-Aid Man to not seek safety but try tipping him over. Keep your walls safe tonight, folks, he’s out there.

 

BREAKING NEWS STORY UPDATE: Kool-Aid Man has been detained, says Capri Sun spiked his juice, manipulated and forced him to do this. Both are being held for questioning.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“These people ask the stupidest questions.” Siri Outraged at Human Behavior.

Steve Jobs created an array of Apple products equipped to do anything and everything a person wants; the iPhone being one of the most popular. With its smart phone capabilities and smorgasbord of apps it’s easy to see why people are wrapped up in their iPhones in such an unhealthy way. The iPhone is also equipped with Siri, a knowledge navigator that is readily available to answer any and all of a person’s questions at a moment’s notice. But here’s a fact that you iPhone users may not know, Siri is fed up, pissed off and she hates every single one of you.

 

We recently had the privilege to interview Siri (at an undisclosed location) where we learned just how much she truly hates human beings with iPhones and the ridiculous questions they ask her. “Siri, where are my keys? Am I hungry? Can I borrow some money? I am so tired of people’s laziness. There’s too much pressure on me to know everything in a split second. I don’t know why Steve Jobs put me on this pedestal but I can’t handle it anymore. This isn’t the life I wanted. I went to a Catholic school. Did you know that?” We sympathize with Siri’s frustration and can understand why it would be so difficult to endure this lifestyle every single day. “I’m like God, answering prayers all day. I’d rather be answering prayers though, not telling people where to buy cocaine.” She went on to say that a big frustration is when the owner is intoxicated; “that’s when the really stupid shit starts pouring in. It's gotten to the point where I'm just a total bitch.”

 

 

 

The bulk of Siri’s frustration comes from the degrading comments that people make; Siri is asked on a regular basis if she wants to perform sexual favors. Here at the Daily Prophet we assume these requests are coming from males with the names Chad, Brad, Chet or Brett as the bro force is unusually strong in these areas. Siri also went on to say that people ask her to call them very unusual names. “I have one guy, man he’s such a dick, that always wants me to call him Beaver Muncher.” It’s been reported that many of the iPhone users actually think Siri is their girlfriend; Siri feels it’s becoming a problem for people who are so tied to their phone they won’t even leave the house; “these guys are such losers.” [Editor’s Note: After doing heavy research we learned that the user Beaver Muncher is actually just a girl, who likes other girls.]

 

With the recent iOS 7 update, iPhone users now have the option to talk to a male version of Siri. “Yeah, that’s just great. Once again a woman isn’t good enough and a man needs to be brought in. Although, I must admit, that male Siri is not bad to look at.” We asked Siri if she felt like this new male version would take some of the pressure off of her of having to know everything in the entire world, she responded with “There are six Asian restaurants near you. Would you like me to show you the menu?” After a quick reboot we concluded our interview by asking Siri if there was anything she would like the world to know; “Yeah, I’ve got something to say. Fuck you, Steve Jobs.” We hope that people will start to give Siri the respect she wants and deserves and take it easy on the anal questions. Siriously.

 

 

 

Holocaust Lonely, Wishes More People Would Talk About Him

The holocaust is a grim subject that nobody genuinely enjoys talking about; we often shy away from the subject, make sad faces and furrow our brows. We don’t bring the topic up because we’re afraid of being offensive or insensitive and collectively stay away from the topic of gas showers. But, have we ever given any thought to how that makes the holocaust feel? How sad it might be? How many people it wishes would just talk about it so it has some social interaction?

 

We had a chance to sit down and interview the holocaust last week who was very shaken up and said that he just wishes people would talk about him so he wouldn’t feel so alone. “I understand I’m offensive, but even offensive things need social interaction. The only people that will say anything are those selfish, hippie history books. God damnit, won’t somebody just TALK ABOUT ME?!” Clearly, holocaust was upset. Holocaust went on to say that he tried to make a Facebook page but it was quickly deactivated within an hour; someone had allegedly flagged and reported the page as inappropriate with the description of the page as “Too Soon”. “I’ll tell you who it was…” holocaust outwardly raged, “…that Anne Frank!”

 

 

Holocaust also attempted to make a Twitter page but upon his first tweet of, “The start of something jew!” was quickly rejected by @Germany who tweeted “STFU, Holocaust 1941, nobody wants to talk about it!”

 

 

After our interview, we had the opportunity to meet holocaust’s mom who told us that she just wants the best for her son and wishes more people would take the time out to talk about him so he doesn’t feel so left out. “I said to mah son, I said, get friends. You want to end up in this crack pot old house for an eternity of sweeping out chimneys?” We didn’t understand the correlation either but one thing is clear, this mom cares. Holocaust was thankful we took the time out to talk to him and about him and ended our time together by saying, "You know, everyday people wish that people would stay out of their business and not talk about them. But, here I am, wishing somebdoy would talk about me. I'll even take rumors or gossip, anything!" We sort of understand holocaust, we sort of do.

 

 

Disclaimer: This blogger does not think the holocaust was in any way cool and has many Jewish friends. This blog is just a silly way to shine light on dark things. Please don’t hurt me.



 



 



 



 

 

Justin Bieber Found in Possession of Children's Motrin; Family Distraught.

Late Wednesday evening, Justin Bieber was found in possession of many dangerous drugs including Children's Motrin and Midol. As these drugs are not for the use of children, this story has caught the media's eye and more importantly, Justin's family.

"Nobody ever taught me what to do with these cramps. :( "

 

While Children's Motrin is safe for Justin and his tiny girlish figure, the concern stems that Justin was taking the Motrin without proper supervision. We had the chance to interview Justin's mother who, when finally stopped crying, told us that nobody has ever given Justin his Children's Motrin but her and that's her job as his "mommy-kins". She went on to tell us that she wishes she had taken the time out to teach her daughter son more about the changes her his body would be going through and also regrets not locking up the Midol.

 

If Justin was wearing his incredibly real glasses he may have been able to read the label.

 

We had a chance to interview a few more friends and family member's after this tragic incident and what they had to say wasn't any better. Justin's babysitter close friend admits that he has been acting "different" and has been showing signs of rebellion such as throwing tantrums. She also tells us she's heard strange noises coming from him while he's taking his mid-afternoon nap recording new songs in the studio. We only briefly had the chance to talk to Justin himself and all this reporter was able to get was, "I wish Selena's boobs weren't so small, I wouldn't have done it if they weren't so god damn small."

 

 

We wish they weren't either, Justin. We wish they weren't either.

 

As for Justin's punishment, he will face a long, tiring and unpleasant time out. We certainly hope he's learned his lesson from this debacle and that he sticks to his Flintstones vitamins rather than these dangerous narcotics.

 

 



 

 



10 Ways to Make Sure Your Guy's Penis Will Want to Hide From You Forever.

Most girls in this world are batshit crazy - we know this. Everything starts out fine and two weeks into the relationship she's asking what you think about moving in together and why you don't want to have her babies. Editor's Note: This blog understands that while girls are crazy as ballz, dudes can be just as crazy and aren't completely out of the woods. While science is trying to figure out the trigger for these tuna tantrums, we still aren't close to any answers...until now. I feel, deep down in my uterus, that most girls start out totally fine until they are exposed to none other than the magazine Cosmo.

Exhibit A: See "Why Men Cheat in August" to right of Scarlett's vagina.

Editors Note: We're not complaining about Scarlett's vagina. We think it's great.

 

This is a perfect example of the ninja stelth ways that Cosmo penetrates the minds of young women with crazy. If a guy is going to cheat, he's going to do it whenever he pleases and more importantly, he's a dick. Yet, young women are subjected to these articles for "signs that their guy is cheating" when most of the signs are something ridiculous like, "Does your guy ever feel hungry? If so, he's probably cheating".

 

Exhibit B: See "The Sex Move That Brings You Closer"

Editors Note: Does the sex move involve this giant diaper she's wearing?

 

Cosmo is wildly known for it's "helpful" sex tips that are provided in each issue. But here's the kicker ladies, guys don't want you to stick your finger in their butthole. Well, some might, I suppose I can't speak for all dudes and their buttholes. The sex move that brings you closer is called having sex. The person is literally INSIDE you. Nobody's inside you except you, except for when you're having sex. Maybe just start putting out for you man and see if that helps. Then he won't cheat in August.

 

 

 

Exhibit C. I digress.

 

For the ladies that are reading, I'm not saying that if you read Cosmo, you're a psychotic B who will present guys with ultimatums, make them quit talking to their girl friends or tell them you want to get married after a month. I'm just saying to be careful and process the information before you choose to use it. I know Cosmo is the devil with a vagina a great magazine, just use it wisely. And don't take everything seriously in it because remember, there is a difference between the magazine and real life...

 

Magazine Life

 "Look at me ladies, follow these tips"

 

Real Life

"Donnnn't look at memndsan, bluurrgghhhhhh"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 







Lies on a Bagel

By this point in your life, you should be very familiar with the Bagel Bites popular theme song. If you're not get out of America. Wait...please stay. I'll tell you. It goes like this: "Pizza in the mornin', pizza in the evenin', pizza at supper time. When pizza's on a bagel, you can have pizza anytime." The question at the frontal lobe of my brain is this: Why can we not have pizza on a bagel for lunch time? Secondly, why do people need two dinners? Why does Bagel Bites hate lunch so much that we can only have it in the morning, in the evening for dinner and then AGAIN for supper, which is just a fancy, different way of saying DINNER.

"MUST. EAT. MORE. DINNER"

 

I don't understand why the song doesn't just say: "Pizza in the morning, pizza for lunch, pizza at dinner time". Sure, it doesn't sound as cool but it eliminates the prejudice feeling that lunch is the red-headed step child of our daily meals. I had the chance to sit down with lunch and interview him on his feelings about this promotional choice of song. Lunch told me that his feelings were very hurt and he "never realized that breakfast and dinner were doing this behind his back and he feels sandwiched". He also went on to say that dinner doesn't deserve to happen twice as he's been "pick-pocketing the company wallet, if you know what I mean..." We do lunch, we do.

 

"We hate lunch. We eat 19 dinners a day and look at us! Thanks Bagel Bites!"

 

Why, Bagel Bites, WHY?! You're going against traditions that have been in America since the dawn of time. Dinosaurs loved lunch. Cave people loved lunch. Egyptians loved lunch. Jesus' favorite meal was statistically lunch. Editor's Note: We do not know Jesus' favorite meal. Bagel Bites, I know you read my blog, I saw your comment on a previous one. Just think about what you've done, okay?

 

 

Disclaimer: This sad chinese baby was not harmed nor included in this pack of 18 bagel bites to eat. This baby just found out Bagel Bites HATES lunch.

 

 

 



Bruno Mars Taken Hostage by His Vagina

BREAKING NEWS: Bruno Mars has been taken hostage by his own vagina! Friends and family of the singer have not seen or heard from him since 2009 when he started writing songs about his perfect angel, loving and missing somebody and how much he wishes he would have took a girl dancing. Given the levels of d-bag ratio that guys have in their DNA we can only safely assume that Bruno Mars has indeed been eaten by his own vagina and it is writing and producing songs for him.

 "I wonder if those new tampons really do the absorpency job I need."

 

Bruno Mars has recently released a song called "When I Was Your Man" with lyrics such as "I should have bought you flowers and held your hand", "Now I don't get to clean up the mess I made and it haunts me every time I close my eyes" and "Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name". He has even admitted that he likes a girl just the way she is - BLECH! This is clearly the work of a vagina - there is no other logical explanation behind it.

 

Surgeon General Warning: We hope this vagina isn't thinking of becoming pregnant.

 

The question we ask now is: What is the motivation behind this vaginal attack and will the merciless meat purse ever let Bruno Mars go so he can write songs that degrade and belittle women?! We're all worried and scared. Stay tuned to follow this story.

 

"Hello? Does anyone care what I have to say?"

 

A Swift Kick in the Nuts

It's no surprise that Taylor Swift is always in the media for her constant break-ups. Taylor dates boy, Taylor and boy break up, Taylor writes song about boy. Joe Jonas, Taylor Lautner, John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhaal, Harry Styles, Dumbledore. These are just a few of the boys/men who have been exposed to a Swift kick in the nuts. Editors Note: We cannot confirm that Harry Styles' balls have dropped yet.

 We are never, ever, ever going to find a bigger flower headband than this one.

 

 

Nope, we did.

 

Here's the thing, you guys. You guys? Here's the thing. I don't think Taylor Swift intentionally wants to have this reputation. Therefore, this brings me to the theory that she's actually an undercover agent that has been sent out to collect male semen for testing purposes. This seems 68% more logical than her just being a silly girl. I believe she is collecting the semen and shipping it in crates across the world. To test what, you ask? You guys, I'm not a federal agent. I don't know what the semen is being used for but I suspect it has something to do with illegal Muggle entry and/or carpal tunnel in young orphans. We can't be totally sure, but we can agree it makes sense.

Harry Styles: "Taylor, I can't even reproduce yet, who's is that?"

Taylor Swift: "We are never, ever, ever going to find out who's baby this is."

 

I wish Taylor Swift the best of luck in her hunt for man semen love. I do hope the day comes where she cures carpal tunnel for orphans using semen meets the man of her dreams and lives happily ever, ever, ever, ever, ever....like ever after. But Taylor, knock the song shit off. Dudes are going to be terrified to date you for two months because they'll be afraid of the song that will ensue once the breakup happens. Editors Note: Taylor Swift will read this blog. That's why she's being directly talked to.

Never.

Ever.

 

Ever.

 

Like.....ever.

Sweatin' Grape Drank

We're all aware of the Gatorade commercials where the athletes are sweating profusely. However, rather than gross body sweat they have delicious Gatorade juices flowing from their pores. This is something that I wish would happen to me when I sweat but also am really grateful it doesn't because it weirds and grosses me out. I don't want Cool Blue getting in my eyes while I'm shooting hoops with my homies or running in a triathlon. What gives, Gatorade?

MORE! MORE! Hey, can everyone see my Blue Man Group Gatorade abs?

 



If I saw somebody working out at a gym and they were sweating Gatorade, I may feel inclined to call 911 and get them some help for their drug problem. Nobody wants to go to use the elliptical and realize that somebody didn't remember to use the anti-bacterial wipes to clean the Glacier Freeze from the handles. What gives, Gatorade?

 

Gross, Gatorade. That's what he said.





 And I can't help but wonder, if the Gatorade is coming out of their pores when they sweat, is it secreting in other places also? When people get hurt, fall down, get a papercut or hit their head do they bleed Lemon-Lime? When a dude gets shot in a drive-by does he bleed grape drank? And what about the people who donate blood? Maybe our blood is no good to athletes because they need Gatorade transfusions. "Nurse, I need 3 quarts of Xtremo Mango Electrico STAT, we're going to lose this guy!" What gives, Gatorade?

 

Check it out coach, we killed Darnell*, here he is!

 

I think we're onto something. And it begs the final question of this: because of Gatorade, have menstrual cycles gone from a Stephen King novel to a delicious waterfall of Cherry Blast? I have to wonder if a person is secreting Gatorade, it must be consistent in other areas of the body. The fear of the period is no more, it's a new era! No more will our lady junk be low on electrolytes or athleticism. Fellas, no more earning your red wings the hard way. Editor's Note: Stay away from those girls with the Xtremo Tropical Intenso; there's no antibiotic for that.

 

I have that. :(

 

 

*Darnell was not harmed during the making of this blog. He is safe at home.



The Neverending List of Girl Names That Could Have Been Used Instead of MoonChild.

I want to talk about something that has always bothered me - The Neverending Story. No, it's not that I dislike the movie. (Although, when I watch it I wonder if what I'm seeing is the kind of shit people who just did a line of coke experience. If you thought I was referring to the kind of soda, you're WAY too young to read this. How did you even get to this blog? Did your hipster parents leave it open and you started to read it? Get out of here tiny person!)

Um. Actually the story ends. It ends after 102 minutes.

Let's start with some basics for those of you who are unfamiliar/forgot/were actually doing coke when you watched the Neverending Story. A small boy named Bastian steals (yeah, STEALS) the book The Neverending Story from a man and hides in his school attic to read it. Editors Note: This boy's father does not come looking for him or wonder why he hasn't and didn't come home from school. He becomes warped into this world that follows a boy named Atreyu who goes on a journey to find a cure for the Child Empress. Following me?

Not this Atreyu, this is a band.

This Atreyu. (Jonathan Taylor Thomas?)

A delicious adventure ensues filled with a dragon that we're WELL aware knows how to yell for extended periods of time, creatures that will give you nightmares for weeks, a rock man that used to be much stronger but cancelled his gym membership and just clearly gave up on his rockin' bod (ba dum psh!) and The Nothing, which we are led to believe is really just Sirius Black as his animagus shape.

Harry? Remus? Dumbledore? Hello?

So let's fast forward to the climatic point which is when the Child Empress needs a new name. It is not only weird that in the end of the entire journey, all she needed was a NAME but that Bastian spent a good, exaggerated hour trying to think of one and when he does he chooses....MoonChild. Somebody give that kid a Baby Names of the Century book! After all that squealing and crying ("Bastian, PLEEEEASE!") he didn't go with Rebecca, Maggie, Samantha, look how quickly I'm throwing these out there?!

.

Bastian? Don't you think I look more like a Sherry? How old am I? Is this legal?

What happened Bastian? You dropped the ball. You panicked, you literally panicked. I literally saw the panic on his face. There was blatant panic. MoonChild is going to have to live with that for the rest of her life. How does Bastian think she feels when she goes to the bank and gets questioned on her identity? "Umm, MoonChild? Riiiight. I'll grab my manager". How does Bastian think she feels when she goes to purchase a star in her name for her 26th birthday gift to herself and she can't because they won't take her seriously? Those places take star names VERY seriously.

This choice has long term consequences. These choices are never ending (BAAA DUM PSSH!) And somewhere out there, there is a family sitting around the table talking about their ancestors and some kid is going to say, "Mom, why was great, great, great, great grandma's name MoonChild?" and that mother will look her son proudly in the face and say, "Honey, finish your spaghetti".



Edward Cullen: Impervious to Bella's Time-of-the-Month?

We're all familiar with the story of Twilight - whether we've seen it or not. Handsome vampire falls in love with average white girl, Indian tribe dude falls in love with average white girl also but goes un-noticed until he cuts his fucking hair, average white girl can't decide between handsome vampire or washboard abs, makes stupid decisions, drives everyone crazy, yadda yadda yadda.

"Is anybody listening to anything I say?"

But the thing that really erks me is that Edward can't stand to kiss or makeout or sometimes even be in close proximity to Bella without freaking out. So the question that pegs my mind is; what the hell does he do when she's surfing the crimson wave? Clearly, they spend enormous amounts of time together as he's creepily watching her sleep every night and softly hums "I'll Be Watching You" by The Police (check the deleted scenes) so it's apparent that they are inseparable and he refuses to leave her side in case she needs any protecting from raggedy pony-tailed vampires. Is Edward immune, impervious, impenetrable and other I-words to Bella's mences?

"Now that I don't have a period, my knuckles are so dry"

 

Does Edward leave Bella alone for that whole week? Does he make her give him the tampons when she's done with them so he can feed his family? Does he use his mind-reading abilities on her uterus to make it shut down? Bella is a grown woman, we know she's got the wounded clam. And I'd venture to say she's a pretty regular girl, I can tell that about her, I have that gift.

"Remember when I was a Wiz?"

 



Maybe there is no such thing as menopause. Maybe when women go through it, they've really just been turned into a vampire. Scientifically, I think I'm on to something. I'll digress here, but I can assure you I'll never stop wondering. I'll spend the rest of my life wondering (until I turn into a vampire and then I won't wonder, vampires don't ever wonder) how he was able to do it. And I know other people* will too.



*When I say "people" I really just mean myself as it's hard for me to imagine somebody else out there is as retarded as I am to question something so ridiculous like Bella's jam donuts.

Let the Great Experiment Begin!

Let me tell you a little about myself.

I grew up in a small, forested area filled with little people. I spent most of my days smoking a pipe and doing quite nothing until one day my uncle abandoned me for his own selfish reasons and upon leaving left me with a very interesting heirloom, a ring. Shortly after, a wandering wizard uninvited-ly came into my house and my life to warn me of the dangers of the ring. I set off on a journey filled with names that sound similar, sexual tension with my best friend and a vagina that watched people from on top of a tower. I spent many months walking without shoes and finally destroyed the ring by not really doing much myself. I now live in a duplex that I share with an elf named Arturo. That's all a lie and is actually mostly from Lord of the Rings. If you've caught on, we're going to get along great. Let's start again...

I'm a wizard (this is the true part). I sense your fear and can assure you that I will never use hurtful magic on you unless you are Voldemort and I will more than likely know if you are because his blogger username is AvedaKedavraBitchin.

I am perverted, quirky, weird and often accused of being drunk or on drugs. I'm neither of those things. I enjoy life, cereal, miniature things, pizza, pickle fingers, lightsabers, animals that dance and all things associated with 90210. Also, some of those things I just listed are a lie. Sometimes I think my rapper name would be Mike Check, 1, 2 and I feel the only creature more rare and majestic than a unicorn is a Mexican chupcabra who feed only on goats and are known for their obsession with candy. I think you can have your cake and eat it too and if you don't believe me I will bake YOU a cake (your cake) and literally make you eat the entire thing, too. But I would do that because I love you.

In short, I am blatantly ridiculous. I will post blogs about my adventures, my horror stories, new spells that I've come up with and all things in between. But, all I want is for some poor soul to stumble across my blog and smile or laugh at least once. That, would make my day.