The Neverending List of Girl Names That Could Have Been Used Instead of MoonChild.

I want to talk about something that has always bothered me - The Neverending Story. No, it's not that I dislike the movie. (Although, when I watch it I wonder if what I'm seeing is the kind of shit people who just did a line of coke experience. If you thought I was referring to the kind of soda, you're WAY too young to read this. How did you even get to this blog? Did your hipster parents leave it open and you started to read it? Get out of here tiny person!)

Um. Actually the story ends. It ends after 102 minutes.

Let's start with some basics for those of you who are unfamiliar/forgot/were actually doing coke when you watched the Neverending Story. A small boy named Bastian steals (yeah, STEALS) the book The Neverending Story from a man and hides in his school attic to read it. Editors Note: This boy's father does not come looking for him or wonder why he hasn't and didn't come home from school. He becomes warped into this world that follows a boy named Atreyu who goes on a journey to find a cure for the Child Empress. Following me?

Not this Atreyu, this is a band.

This Atreyu. (Jonathan Taylor Thomas?)

A delicious adventure ensues filled with a dragon that we're WELL aware knows how to yell for extended periods of time, creatures that will give you nightmares for weeks, a rock man that used to be much stronger but cancelled his gym membership and just clearly gave up on his rockin' bod (ba dum psh!) and The Nothing, which we are led to believe is really just Sirius Black as his animagus shape.

Harry? Remus? Dumbledore? Hello?

So let's fast forward to the climatic point which is when the Child Empress needs a new name. It is not only weird that in the end of the entire journey, all she needed was a NAME but that Bastian spent a good, exaggerated hour trying to think of one and when he does he chooses....MoonChild. Somebody give that kid a Baby Names of the Century book! After all that squealing and crying ("Bastian, PLEEEEASE!") he didn't go with Rebecca, Maggie, Samantha, look how quickly I'm throwing these out there?!

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Bastian? Don't you think I look more like a Sherry? How old am I? Is this legal?

What happened Bastian? You dropped the ball. You panicked, you literally panicked. I literally saw the panic on his face. There was blatant panic. MoonChild is going to have to live with that for the rest of her life. How does Bastian think she feels when she goes to the bank and gets questioned on her identity? "Umm, MoonChild? Riiiight. I'll grab my manager". How does Bastian think she feels when she goes to purchase a star in her name for her 26th birthday gift to herself and she can't because they won't take her seriously? Those places take star names VERY seriously.

This choice has long term consequences. These choices are never ending (BAAA DUM PSSH!) And somewhere out there, there is a family sitting around the table talking about their ancestors and some kid is going to say, "Mom, why was great, great, great, great grandma's name MoonChild?" and that mother will look her son proudly in the face and say, "Honey, finish your spaghetti".