A Swift Kick in the Nuts

It's no surprise that Taylor Swift is always in the media for her constant break-ups. Taylor dates boy, Taylor and boy break up, Taylor writes song about boy. Joe Jonas, Taylor Lautner, John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhaal, Harry Styles, Dumbledore. These are just a few of the boys/men who have been exposed to a Swift kick in the nuts. Editors Note: We cannot confirm that Harry Styles' balls have dropped yet.

 We are never, ever, ever going to find a bigger flower headband than this one.

 

 

Nope, we did.

 

Here's the thing, you guys. You guys? Here's the thing. I don't think Taylor Swift intentionally wants to have this reputation. Therefore, this brings me to the theory that she's actually an undercover agent that has been sent out to collect male semen for testing purposes. This seems 68% more logical than her just being a silly girl. I believe she is collecting the semen and shipping it in crates across the world. To test what, you ask? You guys, I'm not a federal agent. I don't know what the semen is being used for but I suspect it has something to do with illegal Muggle entry and/or carpal tunnel in young orphans. We can't be totally sure, but we can agree it makes sense.

Harry Styles: "Taylor, I can't even reproduce yet, who's is that?"

Taylor Swift: "We are never, ever, ever going to find out who's baby this is."

 

I wish Taylor Swift the best of luck in her hunt for man semen love. I do hope the day comes where she cures carpal tunnel for orphans using semen meets the man of her dreams and lives happily ever, ever, ever, ever, ever....like ever after. But Taylor, knock the song shit off. Dudes are going to be terrified to date you for two months because they'll be afraid of the song that will ensue once the breakup happens. Editors Note: Taylor Swift will read this blog. That's why she's being directly talked to.

Never.

Ever.

 

Ever.

 

Like.....ever.

Sweatin' Grape Drank

We're all aware of the Gatorade commercials where the athletes are sweating profusely. However, rather than gross body sweat they have delicious Gatorade juices flowing from their pores. This is something that I wish would happen to me when I sweat but also am really grateful it doesn't because it weirds and grosses me out. I don't want Cool Blue getting in my eyes while I'm shooting hoops with my homies or running in a triathlon. What gives, Gatorade?

MORE! MORE! Hey, can everyone see my Blue Man Group Gatorade abs?

 



If I saw somebody working out at a gym and they were sweating Gatorade, I may feel inclined to call 911 and get them some help for their drug problem. Nobody wants to go to use the elliptical and realize that somebody didn't remember to use the anti-bacterial wipes to clean the Glacier Freeze from the handles. What gives, Gatorade?

 

Gross, Gatorade. That's what he said.





 And I can't help but wonder, if the Gatorade is coming out of their pores when they sweat, is it secreting in other places also? When people get hurt, fall down, get a papercut or hit their head do they bleed Lemon-Lime? When a dude gets shot in a drive-by does he bleed grape drank? And what about the people who donate blood? Maybe our blood is no good to athletes because they need Gatorade transfusions. "Nurse, I need 3 quarts of Xtremo Mango Electrico STAT, we're going to lose this guy!" What gives, Gatorade?

 

Check it out coach, we killed Darnell*, here he is!

 

I think we're onto something. And it begs the final question of this: because of Gatorade, have menstrual cycles gone from a Stephen King novel to a delicious waterfall of Cherry Blast? I have to wonder if a person is secreting Gatorade, it must be consistent in other areas of the body. The fear of the period is no more, it's a new era! No more will our lady junk be low on electrolytes or athleticism. Fellas, no more earning your red wings the hard way. Editor's Note: Stay away from those girls with the Xtremo Tropical Intenso; there's no antibiotic for that.

 

I have that. :(

 

 

*Darnell was not harmed during the making of this blog. He is safe at home.



The Neverending List of Girl Names That Could Have Been Used Instead of MoonChild.

I want to talk about something that has always bothered me - The Neverending Story. No, it's not that I dislike the movie. (Although, when I watch it I wonder if what I'm seeing is the kind of shit people who just did a line of coke experience. If you thought I was referring to the kind of soda, you're WAY too young to read this. How did you even get to this blog? Did your hipster parents leave it open and you started to read it? Get out of here tiny person!)

Um. Actually the story ends. It ends after 102 minutes.

Let's start with some basics for those of you who are unfamiliar/forgot/were actually doing coke when you watched the Neverending Story. A small boy named Bastian steals (yeah, STEALS) the book The Neverending Story from a man and hides in his school attic to read it. Editors Note: This boy's father does not come looking for him or wonder why he hasn't and didn't come home from school. He becomes warped into this world that follows a boy named Atreyu who goes on a journey to find a cure for the Child Empress. Following me?

Not this Atreyu, this is a band.

This Atreyu. (Jonathan Taylor Thomas?)

A delicious adventure ensues filled with a dragon that we're WELL aware knows how to yell for extended periods of time, creatures that will give you nightmares for weeks, a rock man that used to be much stronger but cancelled his gym membership and just clearly gave up on his rockin' bod (ba dum psh!) and The Nothing, which we are led to believe is really just Sirius Black as his animagus shape.

Harry? Remus? Dumbledore? Hello?

So let's fast forward to the climatic point which is when the Child Empress needs a new name. It is not only weird that in the end of the entire journey, all she needed was a NAME but that Bastian spent a good, exaggerated hour trying to think of one and when he does he chooses....MoonChild. Somebody give that kid a Baby Names of the Century book! After all that squealing and crying ("Bastian, PLEEEEASE!") he didn't go with Rebecca, Maggie, Samantha, look how quickly I'm throwing these out there?!

.

Bastian? Don't you think I look more like a Sherry? How old am I? Is this legal?

What happened Bastian? You dropped the ball. You panicked, you literally panicked. I literally saw the panic on his face. There was blatant panic. MoonChild is going to have to live with that for the rest of her life. How does Bastian think she feels when she goes to the bank and gets questioned on her identity? "Umm, MoonChild? Riiiight. I'll grab my manager". How does Bastian think she feels when she goes to purchase a star in her name for her 26th birthday gift to herself and she can't because they won't take her seriously? Those places take star names VERY seriously.

This choice has long term consequences. These choices are never ending (BAAA DUM PSSH!) And somewhere out there, there is a family sitting around the table talking about their ancestors and some kid is going to say, "Mom, why was great, great, great, great grandma's name MoonChild?" and that mother will look her son proudly in the face and say, "Honey, finish your spaghetti".



Edward Cullen: Impervious to Bella's Time-of-the-Month?

We're all familiar with the story of Twilight - whether we've seen it or not. Handsome vampire falls in love with average white girl, Indian tribe dude falls in love with average white girl also but goes un-noticed until he cuts his fucking hair, average white girl can't decide between handsome vampire or washboard abs, makes stupid decisions, drives everyone crazy, yadda yadda yadda.

"Is anybody listening to anything I say?"

But the thing that really erks me is that Edward can't stand to kiss or makeout or sometimes even be in close proximity to Bella without freaking out. So the question that pegs my mind is; what the hell does he do when she's surfing the crimson wave? Clearly, they spend enormous amounts of time together as he's creepily watching her sleep every night and softly hums "I'll Be Watching You" by The Police (check the deleted scenes) so it's apparent that they are inseparable and he refuses to leave her side in case she needs any protecting from raggedy pony-tailed vampires. Is Edward immune, impervious, impenetrable and other I-words to Bella's mences?

"Now that I don't have a period, my knuckles are so dry"

 

Does Edward leave Bella alone for that whole week? Does he make her give him the tampons when she's done with them so he can feed his family? Does he use his mind-reading abilities on her uterus to make it shut down? Bella is a grown woman, we know she's got the wounded clam. And I'd venture to say she's a pretty regular girl, I can tell that about her, I have that gift.

"Remember when I was a Wiz?"

 



Maybe there is no such thing as menopause. Maybe when women go through it, they've really just been turned into a vampire. Scientifically, I think I'm on to something. I'll digress here, but I can assure you I'll never stop wondering. I'll spend the rest of my life wondering (until I turn into a vampire and then I won't wonder, vampires don't ever wonder) how he was able to do it. And I know other people* will too.



*When I say "people" I really just mean myself as it's hard for me to imagine somebody else out there is as retarded as I am to question something so ridiculous like Bella's jam donuts.

Let the Great Experiment Begin!

Let me tell you a little about myself.

I grew up in a small, forested area filled with little people. I spent most of my days smoking a pipe and doing quite nothing until one day my uncle abandoned me for his own selfish reasons and upon leaving left me with a very interesting heirloom, a ring. Shortly after, a wandering wizard uninvited-ly came into my house and my life to warn me of the dangers of the ring. I set off on a journey filled with names that sound similar, sexual tension with my best friend and a vagina that watched people from on top of a tower. I spent many months walking without shoes and finally destroyed the ring by not really doing much myself. I now live in a duplex that I share with an elf named Arturo. That's all a lie and is actually mostly from Lord of the Rings. If you've caught on, we're going to get along great. Let's start again...

I'm a wizard (this is the true part). I sense your fear and can assure you that I will never use hurtful magic on you unless you are Voldemort and I will more than likely know if you are because his blogger username is AvedaKedavraBitchin.

I am perverted, quirky, weird and often accused of being drunk or on drugs. I'm neither of those things. I enjoy life, cereal, miniature things, pizza, pickle fingers, lightsabers, animals that dance and all things associated with 90210. Also, some of those things I just listed are a lie. Sometimes I think my rapper name would be Mike Check, 1, 2 and I feel the only creature more rare and majestic than a unicorn is a Mexican chupcabra who feed only on goats and are known for their obsession with candy. I think you can have your cake and eat it too and if you don't believe me I will bake YOU a cake (your cake) and literally make you eat the entire thing, too. But I would do that because I love you.

In short, I am blatantly ridiculous. I will post blogs about my adventures, my horror stories, new spells that I've come up with and all things in between. But, all I want is for some poor soul to stumble across my blog and smile or laugh at least once. That, would make my day.