Lies on a Bagel

By this point in your life, you should be very familiar with the Bagel Bites popular theme song. If you're not get out of America. Wait...please stay. I'll tell you. It goes like this: "Pizza in the mornin', pizza in the evenin', pizza at supper time. When pizza's on a bagel, you can have pizza anytime." The question at the frontal lobe of my brain is this: Why can we not have pizza on a bagel for lunch time? Secondly, why do people need two dinners? Why does Bagel Bites hate lunch so much that we can only have it in the morning, in the evening for dinner and then AGAIN for supper, which is just a fancy, different way of saying DINNER.

"MUST. EAT. MORE. DINNER"

 

I don't understand why the song doesn't just say: "Pizza in the morning, pizza for lunch, pizza at dinner time". Sure, it doesn't sound as cool but it eliminates the prejudice feeling that lunch is the red-headed step child of our daily meals. I had the chance to sit down with lunch and interview him on his feelings about this promotional choice of song. Lunch told me that his feelings were very hurt and he "never realized that breakfast and dinner were doing this behind his back and he feels sandwiched". He also went on to say that dinner doesn't deserve to happen twice as he's been "pick-pocketing the company wallet, if you know what I mean..." We do lunch, we do.

 

"We hate lunch. We eat 19 dinners a day and look at us! Thanks Bagel Bites!"

 

Why, Bagel Bites, WHY?! You're going against traditions that have been in America since the dawn of time. Dinosaurs loved lunch. Cave people loved lunch. Egyptians loved lunch. Jesus' favorite meal was statistically lunch. Editor's Note: We do not know Jesus' favorite meal. Bagel Bites, I know you read my blog, I saw your comment on a previous one. Just think about what you've done, okay?

 

 

Disclaimer: This sad chinese baby was not harmed nor included in this pack of 18 bagel bites to eat. This baby just found out Bagel Bites HATES lunch.

 

 

 



Bruno Mars Taken Hostage by His Vagina

BREAKING NEWS: Bruno Mars has been taken hostage by his own vagina! Friends and family of the singer have not seen or heard from him since 2009 when he started writing songs about his perfect angel, loving and missing somebody and how much he wishes he would have took a girl dancing. Given the levels of d-bag ratio that guys have in their DNA we can only safely assume that Bruno Mars has indeed been eaten by his own vagina and it is writing and producing songs for him.

 "I wonder if those new tampons really do the absorpency job I need."

 

Bruno Mars has recently released a song called "When I Was Your Man" with lyrics such as "I should have bought you flowers and held your hand", "Now I don't get to clean up the mess I made and it haunts me every time I close my eyes" and "Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name". He has even admitted that he likes a girl just the way she is - BLECH! This is clearly the work of a vagina - there is no other logical explanation behind it.

 

Surgeon General Warning: We hope this vagina isn't thinking of becoming pregnant.

 

The question we ask now is: What is the motivation behind this vaginal attack and will the merciless meat purse ever let Bruno Mars go so he can write songs that degrade and belittle women?! We're all worried and scared. Stay tuned to follow this story.

 

"Hello? Does anyone care what I have to say?"