A Swift Kick in the Nuts

It's no surprise that Taylor Swift is always in the media for her constant break-ups. Taylor dates boy, Taylor and boy break up, Taylor writes song about boy. Joe Jonas, Taylor Lautner, John Mayer, Jake Gyllenhaal, Harry Styles, Dumbledore. These are just a few of the boys/men who have been exposed to a Swift kick in the nuts. Editors Note: We cannot confirm that Harry Styles' balls have dropped yet.

 We are never, ever, ever going to find a bigger flower headband than this one.

 

 

Nope, we did.

 

Here's the thing, you guys. You guys? Here's the thing. I don't think Taylor Swift intentionally wants to have this reputation. Therefore, this brings me to the theory that she's actually an undercover agent that has been sent out to collect male semen for testing purposes. This seems 68% more logical than her just being a silly girl. I believe she is collecting the semen and shipping it in crates across the world. To test what, you ask? You guys, I'm not a federal agent. I don't know what the semen is being used for but I suspect it has something to do with illegal Muggle entry and/or carpal tunnel in young orphans. We can't be totally sure, but we can agree it makes sense.

Harry Styles: "Taylor, I can't even reproduce yet, who's is that?"

Taylor Swift: "We are never, ever, ever going to find out who's baby this is."

 

I wish Taylor Swift the best of luck in her hunt for man semen love. I do hope the day comes where she cures carpal tunnel for orphans using semen meets the man of her dreams and lives happily ever, ever, ever, ever, ever....like ever after. But Taylor, knock the song shit off. Dudes are going to be terrified to date you for two months because they'll be afraid of the song that will ensue once the breakup happens. Editors Note: Taylor Swift will read this blog. That's why she's being directly talked to.

Never.

Ever.

 

Ever.

 

Like.....ever.

Sweatin' Grape Drank

We're all aware of the Gatorade commercials where the athletes are sweating profusely. However, rather than gross body sweat they have delicious Gatorade juices flowing from their pores. This is something that I wish would happen to me when I sweat but also am really grateful it doesn't because it weirds and grosses me out. I don't want Cool Blue getting in my eyes while I'm shooting hoops with my homies or running in a triathlon. What gives, Gatorade?

MORE! MORE! Hey, can everyone see my Blue Man Group Gatorade abs?

 



If I saw somebody working out at a gym and they were sweating Gatorade, I may feel inclined to call 911 and get them some help for their drug problem. Nobody wants to go to use the elliptical and realize that somebody didn't remember to use the anti-bacterial wipes to clean the Glacier Freeze from the handles. What gives, Gatorade?

 

Gross, Gatorade. That's what he said.





 And I can't help but wonder, if the Gatorade is coming out of their pores when they sweat, is it secreting in other places also? When people get hurt, fall down, get a papercut or hit their head do they bleed Lemon-Lime? When a dude gets shot in a drive-by does he bleed grape drank? And what about the people who donate blood? Maybe our blood is no good to athletes because they need Gatorade transfusions. "Nurse, I need 3 quarts of Xtremo Mango Electrico STAT, we're going to lose this guy!" What gives, Gatorade?

 

Check it out coach, we killed Darnell*, here he is!

 

I think we're onto something. And it begs the final question of this: because of Gatorade, have menstrual cycles gone from a Stephen King novel to a delicious waterfall of Cherry Blast? I have to wonder if a person is secreting Gatorade, it must be consistent in other areas of the body. The fear of the period is no more, it's a new era! No more will our lady junk be low on electrolytes or athleticism. Fellas, no more earning your red wings the hard way. Editor's Note: Stay away from those girls with the Xtremo Tropical Intenso; there's no antibiotic for that.

 

I have that. :(

 

 

*Darnell was not harmed during the making of this blog. He is safe at home.