According to Popular Zombie Shows and Movies, We're All Going to Die But We'll Look Sexy Doing It.

Do you find yourself worrying and fretting over the coming of the zombie apocalypse someday? Fret no more! Yes, you’ll eventually get ripped apart like a piece of taffy by a flesh eating monster but you’ll look good doing it! Studies (and by studies we mean popular tv shows and movies because they are always more valid and more accurate than real life science) have shown that once the zombie apocalypse actually begins you don’t lose your perfectly styled hair, that makeup you had on, or your rock hard body.

"It’s right behind me? Thank god I have this gel in and these chiseled features. Jesus, I look good."

Great news, ladies! During the zombie apocalypse you never have to shave again! The hair never grows back on your legs, your armpits, your face, or your muff camp, leaving you always looking refreshed and young. Worried that your downstairs messy parts won’t be cleanly enough to take you to pound town during the apocalypse? Worry no more! According to our research the wildly accurate shows and movies we watch, your fingerhut or wizard’s sleeve is always clean and never needs washing, trimming, or scrubbing.

“Don’t worry, my clam bake doesn’t eat brains.”

You can have sweat, dirt, flesh, blood, or somebody else’s shit covering your entire body but it’ll magically disappear, and it will never even smell! It doesn’t matter if you’ve been wearing the same clothes for 2 years, you will look amazing and your friends will wish they’d had better survival skills so they can look amazing too! (But they’re dead. Everyone is dead and you will be soon too but you look good. You look so god damn good). It doesn’t even have to be a zombie apocalypse! You’ll look good even if your plane crashes and you’re stranded on an island for 6 years. IT WORKS EVERYWHERE!

"Remember us? Look how good we still look. The island presented us with gifts of white shirts and prom dresses. We love this life."

Honestly, we at the Not Daily Prophet can’t WAIT for the zombie apocalypse to happen. Running for your life from dead people who eat your flesh has never looked so good! Thanks to the zombie apocalypse you’ll never have to spend hours on your hair and makeup, you’ll never have to work out again; you’ll look better than you ever have! Nothing can go wrong!

Except this. This could go very wrong. You might lose an eye. Be weary of losing eyes.

Editor’s Note: Here at the Not Daily Prophet we are fully aware that the jokes being referenced in this blog are from television shows and movies with actors who must look good, and that it is not real life. We at the Not Daily Prophet are also sad that we have to even put this editor’s note because people are so stupid sometimes. Lighten up, walkers!

Girl develops pumpkin allergy, first day of Fall is, like, seriously ruined, okay?

Wednesday, September 23rd marked the first official day of Fall. For most, it was a glorious day to celebrate the start of a new season filled with favorite holidays and warmer hipster clothes. For others, like Becky Renee Ashleyson, the beautiful day will forever be remembered as one of tragedy and sadness.

Becky Renee Ashleyson, age 22

Becky, a 22 year old who works at the department store Basically Basic, received some very disturbing test results late Wednesday afternoon. “I woke up with, like, a rash, you know? I didn’t know what was happening.” Becky quickly jumped into the Porsche she’s never paid for and headed straight for her BFF’s house, Christy. “I asked Christy if she’d been having any weird symps because we hung the prev day for mani/peds but, she like, didn’t even know what the EFF I was jabbing on about and tbh I was even confusing myself, like, where the hell am I? You know?” Becky quickly scheduled a doctor’s appointment all by herself had her parents call and schedule a doctor's appointment for her and spent the rest of the day waiting nervously for the results of her rash to come back.

Becky's newly painted pumpkin nails, betch.

The results Becky received were far from great, Becky had developed a deathly allergic reaction to all things pumpkin flavored, scented, and anything even looking like or resembling a pumpkin. When Becky got the call and heard the news from her doctor she immediately collapsed to the floor, knocking her H&M scarf right off of her neck. “I don’t even know what to say right now, tbh, I feel….betrayed. I think my bae gave me the allergy.” Becky’s mom has been in a tornado of panic and fury after hearing the news, worried that the nearby Starbucks will now have to close down without Becky’s daily visits.

Becky's bae, Pabst

We were able to speak with Becky one last time before concluding our interview, and she was very clearly upset. “I just….how am I even supposed to go on Instagram and Snapchat now? I can’t show my face on there, not anymore, not without pumpkin related and Fall filtered pictures. This was not the perfect Fall day I thought it would be. I don’t even want to wear my leggings, do you even? I can’t even.“

CANT. EVEN.

This is an incredibly difficult time for Becky and her family and here at the Not Daily Prophet we ask that you respect the Ashleyson’s wishes, for now is a time to mourn the many pairs of boots that Becky won’t wear this season, the pumpkin patches she won’t visit, and the pumpkin spice lattes from Starbucks. God damnit, why, the pumpkin spice lattes.