Last Thursday night, the McClintock family sat down for a
family dinner and what they thought would be a quiet night with no disruptions.
They were terror-stricken (not only by Mrs. McClintock’s awful casserole) when
the wall of the dining room came crashing in, pieces of debris flying
everywhere. Mrs. McClintock, who thought
the blast was just the tv, mentioned how surreal it all felt; “There we were,
eating dinner when all of the sudden the wall explodes. I thought, is this one
of those 3D reality shows? All we heard was a loud “OH YEAH”, saw a flash
of red and then whoever it was just disappeared into the night.” Mr. McClintock
had recently just finished rebuilding and repainting the wall that came down and
is appalled that all of that hard work and sixty coats of paint have gone to
waste.
McClintock family pictured above, distraught.
News reports have been coming in from all over the nation,
naming the Kool-Aid Man as the culprit in these attacks. A reporter with
NBCNNABCMSNFOX passed along some information and told us that the Kool-Aid Man
has “really lost his shit lately” and that he’s in a bad place. The reporter
also went on to say, “It’s like he’s doing it on purpose. His goal is no longer
a delicious, quenching beverage that brings hydration to kids around the world,
he’s a menace and somebody has to do something.”
Don't be fooled by his delicious, thirst-quenching, condonsating, ice cold,
oh god, I'm so thirsty...
A family in Florida reported that their wall caved in right
after they had hung newly purchased art from IKEA on the wall. Clearly, this
Kool-Aid Man hates Sweden. Another family in New Hampshire came home to find
the wall broken in and their son, Kevin, sick to his stomach. “He drank that
god damn juice, I’ll tell ya”, Kevin’s father said, “You can’t just go around
kicking in walls when you have no lid! You have debris in your juice and my god
damn kid drank the god damn debris juice.”
Kevin, after consuming debris juice.
No information or leads on where the Kool-Aid Man is
currently hiding out. Taking into account that he’s so top heavy, officials are
asking anyone who sees the Kool-Aid Man to not seek safety but try tipping him
over. Keep your walls safe tonight, folks, he’s out there.
BREAKING NEWS STORY UPDATE: Kool-Aid Man has been detained,
says Capri Sun spiked his juice, manipulated and forced him to do this. Both are being held for
questioning.
