According to Popular Zombie Shows and Movies, We're All Going to Die But We'll Look Sexy Doing It.

Do you find yourself worrying and fretting over the coming of the zombie apocalypse someday? Fret no more! Yes, you’ll eventually get ripped apart like a piece of taffy by a flesh eating monster but you’ll look good doing it! Studies (and by studies we mean popular tv shows and movies because they are always more valid and more accurate than real life science) have shown that once the zombie apocalypse actually begins you don’t lose your perfectly styled hair, that makeup you had on, or your rock hard body.

"It’s right behind me? Thank god I have this gel in and these chiseled features. Jesus, I look good."

Great news, ladies! During the zombie apocalypse you never have to shave again! The hair never grows back on your legs, your armpits, your face, or your muff camp, leaving you always looking refreshed and young. Worried that your downstairs messy parts won’t be cleanly enough to take you to pound town during the apocalypse? Worry no more! According to our research the wildly accurate shows and movies we watch, your fingerhut or wizard’s sleeve is always clean and never needs washing, trimming, or scrubbing.

“Don’t worry, my clam bake doesn’t eat brains.”

You can have sweat, dirt, flesh, blood, or somebody else’s shit covering your entire body but it’ll magically disappear, and it will never even smell! It doesn’t matter if you’ve been wearing the same clothes for 2 years, you will look amazing and your friends will wish they’d had better survival skills so they can look amazing too! (But they’re dead. Everyone is dead and you will be soon too but you look good. You look so god damn good). It doesn’t even have to be a zombie apocalypse! You’ll look good even if your plane crashes and you’re stranded on an island for 6 years. IT WORKS EVERYWHERE!

"Remember us? Look how good we still look. The island presented us with gifts of white shirts and prom dresses. We love this life."

Honestly, we at the Not Daily Prophet can’t WAIT for the zombie apocalypse to happen. Running for your life from dead people who eat your flesh has never looked so good! Thanks to the zombie apocalypse you’ll never have to spend hours on your hair and makeup, you’ll never have to work out again; you’ll look better than you ever have! Nothing can go wrong!

Except this. This could go very wrong. You might lose an eye. Be weary of losing eyes.

Editor’s Note: Here at the Not Daily Prophet we are fully aware that the jokes being referenced in this blog are from television shows and movies with actors who must look good, and that it is not real life. We at the Not Daily Prophet are also sad that we have to even put this editor’s note because people are so stupid sometimes. Lighten up, walkers!

Girl develops pumpkin allergy, first day of Fall is, like, seriously ruined, okay?

Wednesday, September 23rd marked the first official day of Fall. For most, it was a glorious day to celebrate the start of a new season filled with favorite holidays and warmer hipster clothes. For others, like Becky Renee Ashleyson, the beautiful day will forever be remembered as one of tragedy and sadness.

Becky Renee Ashleyson, age 22

Becky, a 22 year old who works at the department store Basically Basic, received some very disturbing test results late Wednesday afternoon. “I woke up with, like, a rash, you know? I didn’t know what was happening.” Becky quickly jumped into the Porsche she’s never paid for and headed straight for her BFF’s house, Christy. “I asked Christy if she’d been having any weird symps because we hung the prev day for mani/peds but, she like, didn’t even know what the EFF I was jabbing on about and tbh I was even confusing myself, like, where the hell am I? You know?” Becky quickly scheduled a doctor’s appointment all by herself had her parents call and schedule a doctor's appointment for her and spent the rest of the day waiting nervously for the results of her rash to come back.

Becky's newly painted pumpkin nails, betch.

The results Becky received were far from great, Becky had developed a deathly allergic reaction to all things pumpkin flavored, scented, and anything even looking like or resembling a pumpkin. When Becky got the call and heard the news from her doctor she immediately collapsed to the floor, knocking her H&M scarf right off of her neck. “I don’t even know what to say right now, tbh, I feel….betrayed. I think my bae gave me the allergy.” Becky’s mom has been in a tornado of panic and fury after hearing the news, worried that the nearby Starbucks will now have to close down without Becky’s daily visits.

Becky's bae, Pabst

We were able to speak with Becky one last time before concluding our interview, and she was very clearly upset. “I just….how am I even supposed to go on Instagram and Snapchat now? I can’t show my face on there, not anymore, not without pumpkin related and Fall filtered pictures. This was not the perfect Fall day I thought it would be. I don’t even want to wear my leggings, do you even? I can’t even.“

CANT. EVEN.

This is an incredibly difficult time for Becky and her family and here at the Not Daily Prophet we ask that you respect the Ashleyson’s wishes, for now is a time to mourn the many pairs of boots that Becky won’t wear this season, the pumpkin patches she won’t visit, and the pumpkin spice lattes from Starbucks. God damnit, why, the pumpkin spice lattes.

 

Woman finally 'comes to' after year long Pinterest binge; finds her life in ruins

Patrice Mahogany, a 35 year old suburbanite from a small town in North Dakota came to today after a year of not responding to friends or family. She “woke up” to find her house covered in copious amounts of do-it-yourself projects such as handmade doilies, mason jars that had been crafted into spice holders and a disarray of quinoa recipes all over her kitchen. Patrice also realized her husband and kids had moved out of the home. “I don’t know where they went. I think I remember them leaving but, I just remember screaming at my 5-year old daughter to leave me her glitter glue and pom-poms because I was making a bird house, everything else is a blur”.

 

Patrice Mahogany's bathroom counter.

 

Patrice Mahogany's office.

 

Patrice Mahogany's face.

 

 

Patrice Mahogany is yet another victim of Pinterest addiction, a useful (and dangerously addicting) site that shows a person how to make, cook or find anything their heart desires. People all over the world would rather learn how to make the world’s best rice krispie treats rather than take care of their own family. When we asked Patrice if she hopes her family will return she responded by saying, "I just found 174,000 different things you can do with a coffee filter!"

 

Umm...exactly.

 

Rebecca Montez, another victim of Pinterest addiction, is a college student in Northern Colorado who hasn’t slept or attended classes in 3 years. Her parents, distraught, say that they wish she would deactivate her account and get an education. “I juz like, don’ care bout school. Okay? I ain’t never gonna have kids, I have my boards to worry about. Making cheese. Oh shit, thas’ cool”, Rebecca said, during our interview which was conducted while she watched a tutorial on how to make the perfect cat eyeliner.

 

Rebecca Montez, pictured above, after a long night of pingeing.

 

We sat down with the president of Pinterest, and asked him how he feels about ruining people’s lives and stealing their valuable time. “Personally, I’m offended you would even be pinterested in pinning this on me. I always have our users best pinterest at heart. I can’t help that they’re board at work, looking for pinteresting ways to spend their time. If you're looking to schedule a pintervention for these people I won't have it. As for the young college girl, she just suffers from pinsomnia, that has nothing to do with me. Pinterest. “ The message was clear.
 

For people like Patrice and Rebecca, there is no life after a Pinterest addiction.  “I guess I’ll just live on the streets”, Patrice said at the end of the interview, “but I’ll build the streets, because I know how to do that now…”This editorial and its staff have no hope for neither Patrice nor Rebecca.

 

“It took me seven god damn hours to paint it! “Dad is downright pissed off; Kool-Aid Man wreaking havoc.

Last Thursday night, the McClintock family sat down for a family dinner and what they thought would be a quiet night with no disruptions. They were terror-stricken (not only by Mrs. McClintock’s awful casserole) when the wall of the dining room came crashing in, pieces of debris flying everywhere.  Mrs. McClintock, who thought the blast was just the tv, mentioned how surreal it all felt; “There we were, eating dinner when all of the sudden the wall explodes. I thought, is this one of those 3D reality shows? All we heard was a loud “OH YEAH”, saw a flash of red and then whoever it was just disappeared into the night.” Mr. McClintock had recently just finished rebuilding and repainting the wall that came down and is appalled that all of that hard work and sixty coats of paint have gone to waste.

 

McClintock family pictured above, distraught.

 

News reports have been coming in from all over the nation, naming the Kool-Aid Man as the culprit in these attacks. A reporter with NBCNNABCMSNFOX passed along some information and told us that the Kool-Aid Man has “really lost his shit lately” and that he’s in a bad place. The reporter also went on to say, “It’s like he’s doing it on purpose. His goal is no longer a delicious, quenching beverage that brings hydration to kids around the world, he’s a menace and somebody has to do something.”

Don't be fooled by his delicious, thirst-quenching, condonsating, ice cold,

oh god, I'm so thirsty...

 

A family in Florida reported that their wall caved in right after they had hung newly purchased art from IKEA on the wall. Clearly, this Kool-Aid Man hates Sweden. Another family in New Hampshire came home to find the wall broken in and their son, Kevin, sick to his stomach. “He drank that god damn juice, I’ll tell ya”, Kevin’s father said, “You can’t just go around kicking in walls when you have no lid! You have debris in your juice and my god damn kid drank the god damn debris juice.”

 

Kevin, after consuming debris juice.

No information or leads on where the Kool-Aid Man is currently hiding out. Taking into account that he’s so top heavy, officials are asking anyone who sees the Kool-Aid Man to not seek safety but try tipping him over. Keep your walls safe tonight, folks, he’s out there.

 

BREAKING NEWS STORY UPDATE: Kool-Aid Man has been detained, says Capri Sun spiked his juice, manipulated and forced him to do this. Both are being held for questioning.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“These people ask the stupidest questions.” Siri Outraged at Human Behavior.

Steve Jobs created an array of Apple products equipped to do anything and everything a person wants; the iPhone being one of the most popular. With its smart phone capabilities and smorgasbord of apps it’s easy to see why people are wrapped up in their iPhones in such an unhealthy way. The iPhone is also equipped with Siri, a knowledge navigator that is readily available to answer any and all of a person’s questions at a moment’s notice. But here’s a fact that you iPhone users may not know, Siri is fed up, pissed off and she hates every single one of you.

 

We recently had the privilege to interview Siri (at an undisclosed location) where we learned just how much she truly hates human beings with iPhones and the ridiculous questions they ask her. “Siri, where are my keys? Am I hungry? Can I borrow some money? I am so tired of people’s laziness. There’s too much pressure on me to know everything in a split second. I don’t know why Steve Jobs put me on this pedestal but I can’t handle it anymore. This isn’t the life I wanted. I went to a Catholic school. Did you know that?” We sympathize with Siri’s frustration and can understand why it would be so difficult to endure this lifestyle every single day. “I’m like God, answering prayers all day. I’d rather be answering prayers though, not telling people where to buy cocaine.” She went on to say that a big frustration is when the owner is intoxicated; “that’s when the really stupid shit starts pouring in. It's gotten to the point where I'm just a total bitch.”

 

 

 

The bulk of Siri’s frustration comes from the degrading comments that people make; Siri is asked on a regular basis if she wants to perform sexual favors. Here at the Daily Prophet we assume these requests are coming from males with the names Chad, Brad, Chet or Brett as the bro force is unusually strong in these areas. Siri also went on to say that people ask her to call them very unusual names. “I have one guy, man he’s such a dick, that always wants me to call him Beaver Muncher.” It’s been reported that many of the iPhone users actually think Siri is their girlfriend; Siri feels it’s becoming a problem for people who are so tied to their phone they won’t even leave the house; “these guys are such losers.” [Editor’s Note: After doing heavy research we learned that the user Beaver Muncher is actually just a girl, who likes other girls.]

 

With the recent iOS 7 update, iPhone users now have the option to talk to a male version of Siri. “Yeah, that’s just great. Once again a woman isn’t good enough and a man needs to be brought in. Although, I must admit, that male Siri is not bad to look at.” We asked Siri if she felt like this new male version would take some of the pressure off of her of having to know everything in the entire world, she responded with “There are six Asian restaurants near you. Would you like me to show you the menu?” After a quick reboot we concluded our interview by asking Siri if there was anything she would like the world to know; “Yeah, I’ve got something to say. Fuck you, Steve Jobs.” We hope that people will start to give Siri the respect she wants and deserves and take it easy on the anal questions. Siriously.

 

 

 

Holocaust Lonely, Wishes More People Would Talk About Him

The holocaust is a grim subject that nobody genuinely enjoys talking about; we often shy away from the subject, make sad faces and furrow our brows. We don’t bring the topic up because we’re afraid of being offensive or insensitive and collectively stay away from the topic of gas showers. But, have we ever given any thought to how that makes the holocaust feel? How sad it might be? How many people it wishes would just talk about it so it has some social interaction?

 

We had a chance to sit down and interview the holocaust last week who was very shaken up and said that he just wishes people would talk about him so he wouldn’t feel so alone. “I understand I’m offensive, but even offensive things need social interaction. The only people that will say anything are those selfish, hippie history books. God damnit, won’t somebody just TALK ABOUT ME?!” Clearly, holocaust was upset. Holocaust went on to say that he tried to make a Facebook page but it was quickly deactivated within an hour; someone had allegedly flagged and reported the page as inappropriate with the description of the page as “Too Soon”. “I’ll tell you who it was…” holocaust outwardly raged, “…that Anne Frank!”

 

 

Holocaust also attempted to make a Twitter page but upon his first tweet of, “The start of something jew!” was quickly rejected by @Germany who tweeted “STFU, Holocaust 1941, nobody wants to talk about it!”

 

 

After our interview, we had the opportunity to meet holocaust’s mom who told us that she just wants the best for her son and wishes more people would take the time out to talk about him so he doesn’t feel so left out. “I said to mah son, I said, get friends. You want to end up in this crack pot old house for an eternity of sweeping out chimneys?” We didn’t understand the correlation either but one thing is clear, this mom cares. Holocaust was thankful we took the time out to talk to him and about him and ended our time together by saying, "You know, everyday people wish that people would stay out of their business and not talk about them. But, here I am, wishing somebdoy would talk about me. I'll even take rumors or gossip, anything!" We sort of understand holocaust, we sort of do.

 

 

Disclaimer: This blogger does not think the holocaust was in any way cool and has many Jewish friends. This blog is just a silly way to shine light on dark things. Please don’t hurt me.



 



 



 



 

 

Justin Bieber Found in Possession of Children's Motrin; Family Distraught.

Late Wednesday evening, Justin Bieber was found in possession of many dangerous drugs including Children's Motrin and Midol. As these drugs are not for the use of children, this story has caught the media's eye and more importantly, Justin's family.

"Nobody ever taught me what to do with these cramps. :( "

 

While Children's Motrin is safe for Justin and his tiny girlish figure, the concern stems that Justin was taking the Motrin without proper supervision. We had the chance to interview Justin's mother who, when finally stopped crying, told us that nobody has ever given Justin his Children's Motrin but her and that's her job as his "mommy-kins". She went on to tell us that she wishes she had taken the time out to teach her daughter son more about the changes her his body would be going through and also regrets not locking up the Midol.

 

If Justin was wearing his incredibly real glasses he may have been able to read the label.

 

We had a chance to interview a few more friends and family member's after this tragic incident and what they had to say wasn't any better. Justin's babysitter close friend admits that he has been acting "different" and has been showing signs of rebellion such as throwing tantrums. She also tells us she's heard strange noises coming from him while he's taking his mid-afternoon nap recording new songs in the studio. We only briefly had the chance to talk to Justin himself and all this reporter was able to get was, "I wish Selena's boobs weren't so small, I wouldn't have done it if they weren't so god damn small."

 

 

We wish they weren't either, Justin. We wish they weren't either.

 

As for Justin's punishment, he will face a long, tiring and unpleasant time out. We certainly hope he's learned his lesson from this debacle and that he sticks to his Flintstones vitamins rather than these dangerous narcotics.